There comes a time when letting go is no longer a choice, but rather a fact of life. That time has come for me and my father. The blessing in this is that I have a clean slate with my father. I have no regrets and nothing left unsaid. This is a long way from where it was 15 or so years ago. I have been provided the opportunity to be of service in this time of transition. What a gift it is to be in the position I find myself in today. My dad and I didn’t talk during most of my 30’s, it wasn’t because of him that we didn’t talk, it was due to my resentment and pride. About 15 years ago a very dear friend and spiritual advisor provided me with one of those great opportunities for growth disguised to me as a punishment and a forced feeding of humble pie. He simply told me to call my dad. You see I had inventoried my resentments, fears and everything else. I had discussed those things with another. I had asked God to remove my character defects, I believed that he would. But that is where my actions stopped.
The Lord’s Prayer says “forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us”, I had forgotten my part in that prayer. I had expected forgiveness, without forgiving. I had been carrying around a number of resentments, many of which I felt I was justified in having.
When I made the first call it was awkward, I wasn’t sure what to say, but I followed the instructions I was given. I had been told to ask how his day was, and what he had done. I was told to show an interest in my father. After talking to dad I called my friend and said “there I did it” he just said “great, call him again next week”. I just did as I was told. After a few weeks I started to actually be interested in my father and how his day was and what he had done. When I reported this to my friend he simply said “great, call him twice next week”.
After several months of calling twice weekly, my dad ended a call with “I love you son”, and I was able to respond “I love you too dad”. When I shared the news with my friend he said “Great! I think it’s time you start calling hime every day. Once again I followed my friends advice. I didn’t follow it out of any great spiritual revelation, I did it simply because every time he had given me a suggestion, even and perhaps especially one that seemed to make no sense at the time, it worked out better than I ever could have hoped.
After better than 10 years of daily phone calls I can say that I love my dad I can also say that when he breaths his last breath, I know that he will be in a better place and I will be free from regret. No regrets of things left unsaid, no regrets that I should have spent more time with him, no regrets that I didn’t get the chance to tell him that I love him. You see he knows I love him, he knows it because I was able to say it to him every day for 10 years. 10 years of me calling and asking how his day went, and what he had done. At some point during those 10 years he started asking me about my day and what I had done. So we had 10 years of being open with one another, which was never my original goal. My friend simply wanted me to be able to live free of resentment and the poison resentment is for those who carry it.
What I was given was a deep and loving relationship with a man that at one point I didn’t think I did or even could like. I’ve missed my daily calls with my father the past few weeks. I’ve missed them because he can no longer tell me about his day. He struggles for every breath these days, and due to that struggle and the related complications dad experienced rapid onset dementia due to hundreds of micro strokes according to his doctor. I held his hand through the night last night, I didn’t do it for credit or any sort of recognition. I did it because a man gave me a way to have a 10 year relationship with my father because he didn’t want me to be alone and cut off from the sunlight of the spirit. I did it because I don’t want my dad to feel alone at any time in these last hours or days. When my dad woke up this morning he looked over at me with a confused look, I asked “can I get you anything dad”? His terse reply was “why do you keep calling me dad”?
The man that I talked to every day on the phone for over 10 years is gone and his body hasn’t gotten the news yet. I am so grateful that I had those years with him, and that as a result there was nothing left to say when we couldn’t talk any more. I’m grateful that I can wish for his peace, and not grasp for signs that he is aware of what’s being said because I had something left to say, because I know that he loves me, and he knows that I love him, we were given the gift of being able to say that every day until we couldn’t say it anymore.
I am grateful to God and the friend who directed me back into the light for this wonderful gift. So if someday someone you’ve grown to trust suggests that you call your dad because you’ve been carrying that resentment long enough, swallow your pride and go to it. You will likely be given a gift you weren’t even looking for.
May God bless you and keep you until then.
Matt
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